Divorce and children
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Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:38 am

Hello! Im trying to figure out what to do here and i need a little advice. I'm 35 and have been married 12 years. We have 2 boys together 11 and 5. THe problem is i "just dont love him anymore". I know that sounds extremely typical, but its true. I've felt this way for the last 5 or 6 years. I just go to bed every night and hope i feel differently in the morning. I've been to the doctor and checked hormone levels and all that. Everything came back fine except for low vitamin d. I am now on supplements. I am taking zoloft and progesterone cream. I just dont know what to do. Ive talked to my husband and he knows how i feel. Of course hes devistated and does not feel the same way. He wants to try and work it out. I am a counselor and i know what a counselor is going to say. Its over. I am not emotionally attached to this man at all. He is a good provider, and a good father. We dont argue much, but there is no physical intimacy in our relationship. No kissing no hugging and occassional sex, when i force myslef to do so. I guess my question is, should i divorce him or stay in the marriage for my kids? Im struggling with staying with him and letting the kids see a loveless marriage just so they can live with mom and dad, or divorcing and letting them go back and forth. We would live in the same town and would be able to be civil with each other. The other thing in this problem is i think im emotionally attached to a co-worker. He is an amazing man and i work closely with him everyday. There has not been any physical contact, romantically, between us, but we flirt with eachother daily. I feel he is interested, and i am interested too. He is 8 years younger than myself. I'm so confused. I dont want to hurt my boys but i dont want to be miserable either. HELP ME PLEASE!!

free skin care · Mon Nov 19, 2012 8:35 am

Moser -
As you are a wife and mother, perhaps your co-worker feels safe in flirting with you. But he might be more wary if you were 'available'.
Perhaps you could drop a hint that you are confused about your marriage, and see how he reacts.

free skin care · Mon Nov 19, 2012 8:52 am

Edit: nm

free skin care · Tue Nov 20, 2012 7:06 am

Sharing things like this (with what amounts to mostly "strangers") shows that you really need the outside input. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I'll try to help if I can.

Being that you are a mother, your first instinct is to do what's best for the kids. But in a situation like this, what is best for the kids? I personally think it would be better for them to see that relationships evolve, and sometimes end. If they see you and your husband staying together, they may grow into adults who stay in unhappy marriages just because children are involved. Youngsters are so much smarter than we give them credit for; they probably already know that the two of you aren't in love anymore. It's probably a subconscious thing at their ages, but they will eventually put 2 & 2 together.

But this all just depends on what you think is best. If you think the stability of a two parent home is more important than all this, that is your decision. Again, I am very sorry this is happening to your family. Sad

free skin care · Thu Nov 22, 2012 10:09 am

Let's not forget the husband in all this. I'm not surprised he's 'devastated' as men have feelings, too!
And can we be sure that he is no longer in love with his wife?

free skin care · Thu Nov 22, 2012 11:08 pm

Don't forget you had made a vow to your husband when you took his hand in marriage. Though I do believe in divorce, I think this should be the last resort when all other methods fail. Also children are involved. I don't think you are trying hard enough. How could you be when you are giving your attention to a coworker instead of your husband? What you should be doing is cutting things off with this coworker. Stop the flirting. Change jobs if you have to. Seperate yourself from things that are pulling your focus away from helping repair the marriage and family. You and your husband used to love each other, there once was sparks, lust, romance. It's typical for a marriage to lose romance after many years, but that is why marriage isn't easy. It's hard! Real hard and constantly requires effort and new ways of building new sparks to make things exciting again. Start by reading the book "getting the love you want" by Hendrix. Also a vacation together may rekindle a spark, or even a simple thing of dressing up for each other and going on a date.

Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:12 am

I'm now in my sixties, but when I was 34 I fell in love with my boss and he with me. No words were spoken, but I could tell by the way he looked at me and things he said. I left the job, as I, like you, had two sons of 9 and 10 at the time.

Since then I've not loved my husband. He's a good kind man with no major faults, but I just don't love him. To live for 30+ years with a partner you don't love and sometimes don't even like is a situation I wouldn't wish on anyone. Our sons love their father and would never have forgiven me if I had left him, but I'm left wondering if it's all been worth the sacrifice of my happiness and probably his.

I can't give you any advice: I still ponder on what might have been. Good luck.

Liz

free skin care · Sun Nov 25, 2012 7:26 am

Liz,
I'm so sorry that you've had all this unhappiness, but I think you did the right thing in keeping the family together and giving your boys a stable home life.
By the way, just how well did you know your boss, was it only in tne workplace?

free skin care · Sun Nov 25, 2012 12:11 pm

As a child of 2 parents that stayed together for the sake of the children, I can't recommend that route unless both parents are fully committed to trying to make it really work. At the end of the day, 2 separate happy homes are better than one where parents are fighting, etc.

However, if you have issues in your marriage and decide to leave your husband, you should do that because it is best for you and your children...not because you are attracted to a coworker. You need to take time to work through all the issues associated with a divorce and focus on the children during that time. And also make sure that you really did give it your best shot via counseling, etc.

While feelings for a coworker may provide the impetus for a change, this is definitely not the time to be acting on those feelings. That comes after you have stabilized in your new life, and you (and your children) are truly emotionally ready to have someone new in your life.

Wishing you the best of luck during what I am sure is a difficult time.

free skin care · Sun Nov 25, 2012 6:55 pm

I'd like to know what the OP has been doing to bring back the spark to her marriage. Don't expect your marriage to magically change if you continue doing the same thing. Isn't that the definition of insanity?

There are couples weekends and marriage encounter type groups that have saved many marriages by reminding couples what it was that brought them together in the first place.

Why not take a ballroom dancing class together or learn to play tennis together or something. Get off your arse!

Counselors are often the worst patients, just like doctors are, because they think they know everything.

If you are bored, well half of that burden is your fault. Your husband sounds like a decent guy who, by the way, would have no trouble finding another woman to appreciate him.

I am also wondering if the zoloft is making you feel worse as most pharmaceuticals tend to. I'd stop taking that and concentrate on natural remedies. See an endocrinologist who specializes in bioidentical hormones and antiaging medicine. See a personal trainer. Exercise is a natural high.

Don't destroy your family for selfish reasons. My parents were divorced and it devastated all of us children and negatively affected our lives.

Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:39 am

My reply to Holmes, is that no, I didn't meet my boss outside of work. Twice he wanted me to go on work related visits with him, but each time I wriggled out of it. He was never direct in his approach, I guess because of his position, but would hint, like when he said I reminded him very much of a famous singer and that he would leave his wife for her. I never said anything to encourage him, and I don't think he ever knew how I felt.

I didn't imagine it, as other people noticed and commented on the electricity between us.

Liz

free skin care · Mon Nov 26, 2012 5:11 am

Children will judge their parents, from their own perspective. They can never see the real picture because they don't know or understand the intimacy or lack thereof between their parents.

SoftSkin makes an interesting point regarding the Zoloft. Drugs like that can really numb your feelings. It would be good to be sure that, whatever you choose, you choose it with a clear mind and not under the influence of Zoloft or any other drug.
And whatever you choose, it is YOUR choice, and no one else can walk in your shoes here. Be confident that you are capable of making the right decision. It is your life, and you are unique. No one can make this kind of decision for you.

free skin care · Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:11 pm

There are two seperate issues here:

1) Should you get divorced?

and

2) Is your co-worker interested?

To the first question I would ask you are you and your husband still able to develop together?

And to the second I would reply that even if your co-worker is interested and even if you do get a divorce it is a dangerous thing to jump straight in to another relationship or having sex with someone else after so many years of marriage and moreover when there are children involved. Trust me my mother did it (she is a councillor too) and it didn't do me much good.

free skin care · Thu Nov 29, 2012 12:53 pm

SoftSkin wrote:

.................
I am also wondering if the zoloft is making you feel worse as most pharmaceuticals tend to. I'd stop taking that and concentrate on natural remedies. See an endocrinologist who specializes in bioidentical hormones and antiaging medicine. See a personal trainer. Exercise is a natural high.

Don't destroy your family for selfish reasons. My parents were divorced and it devastated all of us children and negatively affected our lives.

I agree with Softskin. You might consider taking Bach flower remedies to help "process" your situation so you don't make a mistake you might later regret. Scleranthrus is for being torn in terms of choices and Walnut protects in times of change:
http://bachflower.com/wordpress/

My parents divorced when I was young and I have never totally gotten over it. They did and do seem to be different people who needed to do different things with their lives, but the impact has been far reaching and has not resolved even after decades. At the very least, be aware that if you divorce your children may never recover and may struggle with their own family life as well, unless you make a super effort. And even if you do make a great effort, they still may resent any strangers who enter the scene (ie step parents) and blame you for the situation. You may need to bring in a professional who can help you assess the situation and potential damage.

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