| Author |
Message |
|
|
|
Thu Jul 27, 2006 11:26 pm  |
| I have a friend who is 25 however only had one girlfriend which is this 19 yr old girl which they had been going out with for a little over a year. All his friends think that she control's him and pressures him to get married, which now they are going to do... get married!! I think they are too young to get married and don't think they make a good couple. I want my friend to be happy, but I dont think he will be truthfully happy with her in the long run. It seems that this whole marriage thing is HER idea and he is a push over and will listen and do whatever she says (that's just his personality). I feel selfish for even considering to talk him out of marriage, but I really feel that they should put it off for a little while. Any suggestions on how I should approach this subject to my friend? or if i should just leave it alone? |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jul 27, 2006 11:37 pm |
I'm sort of curious - why would a 19 yr old girl wanna get married? And how do the parents feel about this whole thing? A 19 yr old should still be concentrating on her education imo, if not should concentrate on getting a start on her career. I'm also curious how their financial situation is as this is an issue when it comes to marriage - where are they going to live and how they're going to get by. It seems if the girl is wanting marriage at this age, she will probably want kids soon after so I think finances are something that they need to think about. There are so many other issues on my mind right now apart from whether they will be happy or not. Because I think the first and foremost is whether they can even make a marriage work!
If you do talk to your friend I think you should let him know the many things that are necessary for a marriage. Whether he is a pushover or not and whether he will truly be happy is this girl in the long-run is up to him and I don't think anyone can really give an opinion on it. Happiness is subjective imo so only he will know. Marriage is a big commitment and it's something he needs to decide for himself - pushing him in OR out of it isn't a good idea because if you end up succeeding and in the long run he regrets his decision he'll probably blame you for it. But if he decides to get married himself then as a friend all you can do is watch his back and listen to him when he is unhappy.
This is just my opinion, I understand you really care about your friend and I honestly feel instead of trying to "talk him out of it" you should bring up all the issues in a marriage that he needs to deal with because whatever decision he makes it has to be an informed one. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 12:24 am |
I have a rule when it comes to giving unsolicited relationship advice: If there aren't any laws being broken (ie. abusive relationship), DON'T GIVE UNSOLICITED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
You may have all the best intentions in the world, but your friend doesn't want to hear your take on why his relationship is unhealthy/doomed/toxic and what he should do about it.
Unless he comes to you, let him be. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 7:58 am |
| I agree with RMB....besides, you could risk ticking off the soon-to-be wife and then how often would you see your friend after that? |
_________________
40. Routine: OCM, ThayersRoseToner as needed, Dr. Denese Dream Cream and Eye Cream |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 8:36 am |
Hi BCgirl
I also agree with RMB.
People make decisions in their life to learn from (good or bad). And getting in the way of their learning process does not necissarily help in the long run.
I do see your urge to help. More often than not, times people don't want help, and become resentful and don't understand.
Maybe you can bring it up once, because you're his friend and you care, but after that try to remain neutral yet supportive. Sometimes things aren't what they appear, too.
Bella  |
_________________
*`~~ combo skin, 27, ~still learning ~~`* |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 8:45 am |
You should only get married if you have kids and require the marriage benefits government/insurance provide. 
Most people need to be officially married to justify their love for one another. Sounds like trust issues/controlling issues. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 8:51 am |
I've been married forever (at 19 and now I'm 51). It was the best decision I've made. I have an 8yo (due to miscarriage problems I wasn't able to have a kid earlier) so most of the time we were alone together.
Life has a lot of of good and bad, it's nice to have someone to share history with. Of course I was a kid at 19 so I guess I was lucky.
I also wouldn't interfere because even if it isn't the best move for your friend I think you'd lose a friend (if he doesn't marry he may miss her and blame you and if he does the wife will hate you). |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 9:55 am |
spa-cake : a marriage is not necessarily a trust/controlling issue - depends on the partners, depends on you !
BCgirl : your friends, just let them be, you cannot see them in their heads. those two will probably manage a marriage or probably not, you never know - but you won't be able to change it.. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 10:27 am |
| I agree don't get involved if they end up together....you'll be the bad person. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:17 pm |
| Here's my story: when my husband and I announced we were getting married, his friends were all dead set against it. To this day I'm not quite sure why, but I think it had something to do with the fact that they were used to being this cozy little group and they didn't think I would fit in. (They may have been right about that--- I am something of an iconoclast...) First they tried hinting to my husband that he shouldn't marry me, then when that didn't work they tried a stronger approach--- they tried to point out my flaws to my husband, they emailed me pictures of my husband with his ex gf, etc etc. Finally they said that my husband had to choose between them and me. Suffice to say, my husband made his choice and we haven't spoken to any of those people since. It was sad for my husband to not have many friends at our wedding, but it was their choice, not his. So, the moral of this story is, interfering in a friend getting married is dangerous business. I say leave it be and let the chips fall where they may. |
_________________
27, sensitive/reactive/acne prone skin, dark brown hair, blue eyes, possibly the palest woman alive... |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:24 pm |
I too agree with much of the above - how about just finding out where your friend is at and providing objective points on either for or against marriage.
If it were me and wanted to see where my friend was at, I'd probably start the conversation like "Wow, marriage, that's a pretty big step" and judge their reaction on whether they are totally into it or if there is some hesitation.
And me also being pretty blunt to close friends, I'd probably add, "is that what you want".  but I don't think I would ever say "you shouldn't marry this person b/c ... or this person isn't right for you" unless there is something really wrong (as abusive, etc. like RMB said). That's not my decision. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:37 pm |
I agree with what everyone has said.
You never know what their relationship is like behind closed doors.
Besides, if anything should happen, good or bad, as a friend, you'll want to be there for him. |
|
|
|
|
| Wed Sep 03, 2025 2:52 pm |
If this is your first visit to the EDS Forums please take the time to register. Registration is required for you to post on the forums. Registration will also give you the ability to track messages of interest, send private messages to other users, participate in Gift Certificates draws and enjoy automatic discounts for shopping at our online store. Registration is free and takes just a few seconds to complete.
Click Here to join our community.
If you are already a registered member on the forums, please login to gain full access to the site. |
|
 |
|
