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Thu Aug 03, 2006 5:49 pm  |
Do you think confidence is something you're born with or just a state of mind?
What do you use to feel confident and what do you think is the ultimate key to keeping it forever? |
_________________
" 19, very very fair skin with a tendancy to be dry and very acne prone, darkish hair |
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Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:17 pm |
| I don't think it's the same for everybody. I've always been really insecure and shy, but when I met my boyfriend, things started to change. Being with him gives me confidence because he has helped me realize I can be beautiful. I feel more confident about myself just carrying around his love with me! THat probably sounds corny! |
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Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:09 pm |
Excellent question.
I think it's a trait that is taught/learned. Confidence is something that is hopefully instilled from your family from birth and encouraged as we grow.
I was not raised with this. It was a decision that I made. Tired of being unsure of myself, actions, reactions and most importantly inactions I made conscience effort to give the appearance of having FAR more confidence than I ever felt. No one knew how I felt, only what I led them to believe. Dishonest? No, I don't think so. I wanted to speak up or behave in that confident manner, I was just terrified to do so. Hence, the 'bull in a china shop'. What I discovered was the more I did it, the easier it became and my confidence level grew.
Not saying that my method is something that would work for everyone - but it did work for me. |
_________________
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:57 pm |
| well, Candy, as a cop I would imagine you NEED to give an aura of very strong confidence!! |
_________________
SKIN: combination, reactive to climate changes and extremely fair. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:46 pm |
This is a great question!
It's both actually.
Confidence is something you're born with but if it's not nurtured it can get lost or buried inside yourself or it can become out of control.
In order to unbury it, it's important to feel good about who you are no matter what. The thing that's really helping me is realising that Nothing Matters. I ask myself, who or what is so much more important that I can't be comfortable in my own skin? and why? When it all comes down to it, there's nothing wrong with me and I have no valid reason to be insecure. People almost always see us as a much better person than we see ourselves because we're always our own worst critic.
One of the most amazing things I'm learning is that the more I don't care what other people think of me, the more attention I seem to get. And every time I stand up for myself and say exactly how I feel, the more I'm respected. (Without changing my personality traits-I haven't become a snob or demanding, I'm just a stronger version of myself) It's Very empowering!  |
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Mabsy
Moderator
 
Joined: 17 Aug 2003
Posts: 9644
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 3:54 am |
| I think some people are confident by nature. For others it just comes with maturity, then again I think some never quite get there. |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 5:11 am |
| I have to agree with Mabsy, I think the older you become the more confident you become. Look back at how you where in high school, versus how you are now. I think the wisdom you gain through out life helps to make you more confidient. |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:32 am |
Candy wrote:
| Quote: |
| Tired of being unsure of myself, actions, reactions and most importantly inactions I made conscience effort to give the appearance of having FAR more confidence than I ever felt. |
I can relate totally to Candy. I learned to do this early in my career when I began doing public speaking. I think I've acquired confidence by taking risks and getting out of my comfort zone .....making a "conscience effort to give the appearance of having FAR more confidence...." As a Mom, I strongly encourage my kids, especially my daughter, to get out of her comfort zone and take risks. |
_________________
Closer to 60 than 50 with dry, fair skin. |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 11:26 am |
| The Queen wrote: |
Do you think confidence is something you're born with or just a state of mind?
What do you use to feel confident and what do you think is the ultimate key to keeping it forever? |
Just wanted to say I really appreciate your posts The Queen. Another great question here. I think confidence has different levels and it comes from developing yourself and identifying what your strengths are. People who are truly talented have a quiet confidence that has nothing to do with looks or money. |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 12:37 pm |
Wow, I am so glad I finally had time to return to the EDS forums. Reading this thread was a real help because I've been struggling with a confidence/self esteem issue for the past couple of days after receiving an email from an old high school classmate. I have a good life now, so I rarely think about those days, but all of a sudden I'm remembering the pain and loneliness of those years.
Like Candy, I wasn't raised in a home that nurtured self-esteem, so I made a conscious effort to appear far more confident than I felt. I guess I was a pretty good actress because some of my former classmates remember me as being "popular." I only remember being lonely.
So this thread made me realize that I might not have been the only one faking confidence. Maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought.  |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 1:06 pm |
| The good ol nature-nurture question. I don't think confidence is innate. It has to be nurtured througout the growing years. Kids whose parents give them unconditional positive regard will grow up well-adjusted. Likewise, kids who grow up thinking that they have to behave a certain way to earn their parents' love will not have solidified confidence. But that is only the tip of the iceberg. As they grow older, the effects of media and peers will determine how looks/IQ/athletic ability/sociability/etc determines confidence. Then again, if the kid is self-assured to start with (from parents with good parenting skills), s/he will not take these external pressures too seriously, although to some degree everyone's perception of beauty is affected by the media and culture. Confidence in itself is such a subjective term...you could say A, the life of the party, the social butterfly, the one always starting the conversation, is confident. But B, the one who sits back and laughs, the one who is a great listener, can be confident as well. Some people refer to B's confidence as a "quiet" confidence. I don't think confidence can easily be faked, or taught. A good trained eye can easily tell if someone is really confident or appearing to be (e.g. excessive joke-telling can be a sign of a defense mechanism). There is also a fine line between confidence and cockiness/obnoxiousness. As subjective as it can be, confidence has many implications in everday life...it can be a good predictor of school grades, or marriage success, or job stability, etc. We all need a little confidence...something good skin can help boost...which is why we're all on EDS in the first place. |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 3:54 pm |
| dollbird wrote: |
| Confidence in itself is such a subjective term...you could say A, the life of the party, the social butterfly, the one always starting the conversation, is confident. But B, the one who sits back and laughs, the one who is a great listener, can be confident as well. Some people refer to B's confidence as a "quiet" confidence. I don't think confidence can easily be faked, or taught. A good trained eye can easily tell if someone is really confident or appearing to be (e.g. excessive joke-telling can be a sign of a defense mechanism). There is also a fine line between confidence and cockiness/obnoxiousness. |
I have to agree with you. I've seen some people who on first glance appear confident only to reveal upon listening to them more that it's more of an almost aggressive bluff mechanism. |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 9:57 pm |
| Candy8865 wrote: |
Excellent question.
I think it's a trait that is taught/learned. Confidence is something that is hopefully instilled from your family from birth and encouraged as we grow.
I was not raised with this. It was a decision that I made. Tired of being unsure of myself, actions, reactions and most importantly inactions I made conscience effort to give the appearance of having FAR more confidence than I ever felt. No one knew how I felt, only what I led them to believe. Dishonest? No, I don't think so. I wanted to speak up or behave in that confident manner, I was just terrified to do so. Hence, the 'bull in a china shop'. What I discovered was the more I did it, the easier it became and my confidence level grew.
Not saying that my method is something that would work for everyone - but it did work for me. |
Dear Candy, I cannot tell you enough how inspiring your thoughts are to me. I really wish I have your strong will - I cannot imagine myself to be a cop though - I guess you have to be born with such qualities 
Thanks for sharing. |
_________________
Asian-40's-combination/dehydrated skin-on endless quest for perfect skin-like you! |
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Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:14 pm |
| lifeisbeautiful wrote: |
| Candy8865 wrote: |
Excellent question.
I think it's a trait that is taught/learned. Confidence is something that is hopefully instilled from your family from birth and encouraged as we grow.
I was not raised with this. It was a decision that I made. Tired of being unsure of myself, actions, reactions and most importantly inactions I made conscience effort to give the appearance of having FAR more confidence than I ever felt. No one knew how I felt, only what I led them to believe. Dishonest? No, I don't think so. I wanted to speak up or behave in that confident manner, I was just terrified to do so. Hence, the 'bull in a china shop'. What I discovered was the more I did it, the easier it became and my confidence level grew.
Not saying that my method is something that would work for everyone - but it did work for me. |
Dear Candy, I cannot tell you enough how inspiring your thoughts are to me. I really wish I have your strong will - I cannot imagine myself to be a cop though - I guess you have to be born with such qualities
Thanks for sharing. |
So sweet, thank you. The reality is my 'forced confidence' was something I was determined to work on once I entered the working world. Being an officer wasn't part of it.
Ask any officer why they do what they do and IF they're honest most will say because they want to help people.
That is partly true in my case because ultimately I think it is what I accomplish.
For myself, the reason I became an officer is I need to 'make things right'. Probably more idealistic than even the 'wanna help people', but it's true.
Due to my less than supportive and happy childhood and events that occurred to me I made the decision at a very young age not to become a 'statistic' nor blame the world for the things that happened to me.
I found in order for 'me' to heal I needed to reach out and right wrongs being done to others. What better way than to enforce the laws in place to protect the weak and innocent?
Because before the courts, before the juries, lawyers and endless loopholes and 'deals' it's simple. There is right and there is wrong. I will do everything in my power to make things as right as I can. And every wrong I right brings me one step closer to healing.
And what better way to build confidence than to know you make a difference? I'm never gonna save the world, I know that. But for that brief moment when that victim looks at me and knows they are safe, my goal is accomplished. I am at peace & my confidence in myself and in human nature is briefly restored.
 geeze....whatta mush I am!  |
_________________
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Sat Aug 05, 2006 5:04 pm |
| Quote: |
For myself, the reason I became an officer is I need to 'make things right'. Probably more idealistic than even the 'wanna help people', but it's true.
Due to my less than supportive and happy childhood and events that occurred to me I made the decision at a very young age not to become a 'statistic' nor blame the world for the things that happened to me.
I found in order for 'me' to heal I needed to reach out and right wrongs being done to others. What better way than to enforce the laws in place to protect the weak and innocent? |
Ah, the sentiments that seem to make for a superhero story. Adversity can make you go either way, get others before they 'get' you, or, make things better for everyone to ease suffering. I also remember that confidence is something that people frequently have to bluff before it becomes a reality. It's like if you smile even if you're not happy you can take on the feelings the smile would indicate.
You have a tought job in that you aren't the last authority in the legal chain. I see many times people taking out their frustrations on the police when a court case doesn't go the way it should. The legal system can suck in the extreme. |
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Sun Aug 06, 2006 2:03 am |
| Rufus wrote: |
| Quote: |
For myself, the reason I became an officer is I need to 'make things right'. Probably more idealistic than even the 'wanna help people', but it's true.
Due to my less than supportive and happy childhood and events that occurred to me I made the decision at a very young age not to become a 'statistic' nor blame the world for the things that happened to me.
I found in order for 'me' to heal I needed to reach out and right wrongs being done to others. What better way than to enforce the laws in place to protect the weak and innocent? |
Ah, the sentiments that seem to make for a superhero story. Adversity can make you go either way, get others before they 'get' you, or, make things better for everyone to ease suffering. I also remember that confidence is something that people frequently have to bluff before it becomes a reality. It's like if you smile even if you're not happy you can take on the feelings the smile would indicate.
You have a tought job in that you aren't the last authority in the legal chain. I see many times people taking out their frustrations on the police when a court case doesn't go the way it should. The legal system can suck in the extreme. |
LOL - I initially responded with a page long RANT about the 'system'. Sucks doesn't even being to describe it. And leave it at that.
Everything in my life in some manner or another has helped me create the 'me' I am today. Creating a confidence in myself was one of the hardest things I've done, but worth every effort. I am far from the person I think I should be, but even farther from the person I was. My belief is that confidence is a 'learned' behavior/trait, it's your experiances that either nurture it or undermine it. And up to you in what you do with it. |
_________________
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:36 am |
| I completely agree. The choices we've made in our lives do create who we are and how we view things. I also believe that confidence does come from success. I know if I'm successful in one particular area, I feel more confident in it. |
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Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:45 pm |
| Quote: |
| LOL - I initially responded with a page long RANT about the 'system'. Sucks doesn't even being to describe it. And leave it at that. |
Only a page??  I'm married to a PO and worked as a civilian in 2 forces (small). There have been many frustrating moments. So, how much of a rant can you work up for the press??  |
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Mon Aug 07, 2006 12:28 am |
| Rufus wrote: |
| Quote: |
| LOL - I initially responded with a page long RANT about the 'system'. Sucks doesn't even being to describe it. And leave it at that. |
Only a page?? I'm married to a PO and worked as a civilian in 2 forces (small). There have been many frustrating moments. So, how much of a rant can you work up for the press?? |
Ohhhh - about 12 years worth, lol. But, I have learned not everyone has seen the 'real world'. They have their protected, sheltered lives - appalled at the 'truths' spewed by the media (the reporting on events is about as accurate as the long term weather segment) and the big bad police abusing their authority. <ugh>. I have long stated that any registered voter be required to do a ride along in addition to jury duty - but alas, no one listens to me 
I at times yearn for the days when I didn't know the 'real world'. It was an easier place to live. Yet - after all these years I try to remember that just because I chose the red pill not everyone else has, and I have to be accepting of that, just as I would hope they would accept me and the harsh truths I tell them when asked. And most importantly - when the media cameras arrive - put your hat on & get in the nearest squad car |
_________________
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:13 pm |
I think I want Candy on myside . I love being inspired by people.
I think it sucks that most girls are not taught the confidence skills they need in life, probably why so many women stay in abusive relationships.
I too was not raised with these things being cultivated, and had to learn things the hard way, your not on your second marrige by 24 for no reason. Luckily I was smart and didnt get too messed up, but having a baby really forced me to take a long hard look at myself and how I was living my life and make some necessary changes. Most important Toxic people who suck the life force out of you, which are the ones it seem so many women fall victim to.
Through changing and growing and ultimately becoming a better person, I think that I am slowly but surely building confidence. |
_________________
27~Texas~Oily~ fair~ breakout prone~ easily congested~Cysts caused by emotional stress~ Using Ayurvedic skin care and philosophy~ Dry brushing body and face~ On strict less is more routine~ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars~ Oscar Wilde |
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Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:42 am |
| Quote: |
Ohhhh - about 12 years worth, lol. But, I have learned not everyone has seen the 'real world'. They have their protected, sheltered lives - appalled at the 'truths' spewed by the media (the reporting on events is about as accurate as the long term weather segment) and the big bad police abusing their authority. <ugh>. I have long stated that any registered voter be required to do a ride along in addition to jury duty - but alas, no one listens to me
I at times yearn for the days when I didn't know the 'real world'. It was an easier place to live. Yet - after all these years I try to remember that just because I chose the red pill not everyone else has, and I have to be accepting of that, just as I would hope they would accept me and the harsh truths I tell them when asked. And most importantly - when the media cameras arrive - put your hat on & get in the nearest squad car |
Another Matrix fan. A good book to do with that subject is "Taking the Red Pill. Science, Philosophy and Religion in The Matrix." edited by Glenn Yeffeth.
Part of my job meant going on ride alongs, they sure are an eye opener. You'd think people would learn, but it seems that the thing that keeps my hubby and you working is the fact that much of the work has to do with people being unrealistic and unreasonable in a world where there are laws that they aren't exempt from.
And about the hat *snerk* wonder if there's money to be made for a hat that doesn't come off...specially in the range of a viewfinder  |
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Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:45 am |
| Quote: |
| I think it sucks that most girls are not taught the confidence skills they need in life, probably why so many women stay in abusive relationships. |
That's a whole new never ending thread topic you have there  The good news a sign of growth is the ability to be inspired by the right people  |
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Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:55 pm |
My confidence got a good battering at high school. Before, I was extremely self assured and not afraid of anything but after putting on weight and subsequent bullying, it just fizzled out.
I've since lost the weight but I've not fully regained my confidence, I'm inwardly shy towards new people even though I may act confident around them. That's why I don't think you can truly have confidence without self esteem. Although you may pretend to be that open and unafraid person, it's like a shadow of it without the self belief to go with it.
I'm not completely sure it can be regained, it's certainly not an easy thing to possess but I hope I will get it back entirely one day.
Hearing other people's views definately helps to look on the bright side. Confidence is just such a puzzling issue for me so that was my main reason for this post, to shed a bit of light on it. |
_________________
" 19, very very fair skin with a tendancy to be dry and very acne prone, darkish hair |
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Wed Aug 09, 2006 8:29 am |
The Queen - Your confidence really does often grow as you get older, so hang on in there.
I used to be super-confident as a little girl, but took some knocks that made me withdraw into a shell, preferring to live in my own little world away from anything that might hurt me.
I have regained some of my old confidence, but am still scared of getting too close to people in case they die or leave. (Thinking of changing my name to Jinx.)
But what helped me was nearly dying myself, strange as that may sound. It brings everything into perspective. Silly little things don't really matter so much any more and I've relaxed enough to be able to enjoy life again.
The knocks I took did one good thing for me too. They made me far more sympathetic to others, and I've been able to help people get through tough times of their own, thanks to my experiences.
If you can make something good of the bad things that happen to you, then that helps immensely. In an unexpected way, it gives you a strength you never knew you were capable of. |
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